Emergency Style Tips for Men If They Ever Want to Have Sex with A Human Being

This is going to be a bullet point presentation because the urgency behind it overshadows my wish for lyrical prose.

GUYS, PLEASE READ THIS CAREFULLY:

  • No sandals or flip flops on city streets. At the beach or pool or lakeside acceptable only if your feet are well groomed. Unless they have a vile form of foot fetish, the thought of a man’s calloused feet rubbing up against them in bed makes most people want to throw up.

  • No Tevas EVER.

  • No cargo shorts, unless you want people to think you're carrying poop in your bulging leg pockets.

  • No tank tops. Maybe at the gym but even that is questionable.

  • Flat front pants rule. 

  • No bow ties unless you're Paul F. Tompkins or if you're Charlie McCarthy of Bergen and McCarthy. Or Pee-wee. Being a member of a Barbershop quartet also is a non-starter because, well, Barbershop quartets.

  • No bracelets unless you're originally from a warm country. Men with brown skin can wear things white boys can't and you know this is the truth. They're exceptional.

  • Sometimes necklaces are ok. You have to run it by me first.

  • Rope bracelets are cool. Especially during hot weather.

  • No school rings. School rings are an indication of assholery. Think Ted Cruz. Is that graphic enough?

  • No American flag pins on lapels.

  • Tattoos are fine as long as they aren't nazi symbols.

  • I used to not like beards but now I love them. See? I'm a very flexible and tolerant person.

  • There is nothing wrong with a suit occasionally. Los Angeles, listen up: don't let the only people who wear suits be agents and lawyers. You're better than that.

  • Jeans are great, But I adhere to the Goldilocks Principle:  not too loose and not too tight, but just right. Tapered skinny jeans generally looks dumb. Very few men can get away with this. Neither can I by the way, so don't feel bad. Plain skinny jeans look good on skinny people, that's why they have the adjective "skinny" in them,  Last night I was told that I was old for not liking tapered skinny jeans on most men. So be it.  If the jeans fit, wear them. Boot cut jeans are really good. EXCEPTION: rock stars. Rock stars can wear tapered, skinny jeans, they can also wear tank tops and jewelry. Whatever they want—they're rock stars. Become a rock star and then we'll talk.

  • For god’s sake NO CAPRI PANTS!!

  • Mullets should be banned. I think you all know this already but it's worth repeating.

  • No cologne unless you know what you're doing and have self-restraint and self-respect.

  • And please god, smell good. Take regular showers and floss. Brush teeth a lot, at least. Try not to have too much garlic before you kiss someone. Think of us as vampires, if that helps remind you.

  • Sorry to be repetitive, but just smell good. This is really so important.

  • Linen and cotton are nice.

  • Cool sneakers are a good thing.

  • This might be just my thing, but Oxford shoes for dressing up are spiffy.

  • Corduroy jackets with jeans look great.

  • Corduroys in fall and winter are comforting too.

  • Try to avoid looking like someone who loves golf.

  • Cummerbunds are stupid.

  • I like button downs.

  • No baseball hats backwards. The kind of people who would be attracted to this are not people you want to sleep with.

  • No fedoras. Or Trilbys. Or Floop-de-doo's or whatever the hell those hats are called. No berets unless you're Sartre.

  • Absolutely NO FLIP FLOPS WITH ATHETIC SOCKS. IT LOOKS DUMB EVEN IF YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE.

  • Message t-shirts suck unless you know what's funny and what's not. Most people do not.

  • Go to the gym but don't go crazy. You should be able to get your arms to touch your rib cage and walk like you're not wearing a diaper full of pee.

 Please, please, please, don't look like this. Or think and act like this. Just avoid this at all costs.

Please, please, please, don't look like this. Or think and act like this. Just avoid this at all costs.

Twitter's own @shanenickerson added this following warning:

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This is what I came up with off the top of my head. Please feel free to come up with your own. I'm sure this list is incomplete.

And guys, heed this list if you know what's good for you. God speed, and enjoy your vastly improved sex life.

Here are some helpful tips and comments from respected followers:

hot take.jpg
 Yes, I agree with Stretch: I hate this. 

Yes, I agree with Stretch: I hate this. 

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 I forgot about square-toed dress shoes. Those are very bad. And white Stan Smiths are cool, but white New Balance are definitely not. I had no idea about statement socks. Good god.

I forgot about square-toed dress shoes. Those are very bad. And white Stan Smiths are cool, but white New Balance are definitely not. I had no idea about statement socks. Good god.